my big fat "fat" story

i didnt grow up in a healthy eating household. my mom very rarely cooked and when she did it was something bad. we had takeout almost everyday of the week. chinese, popeyes chicken, mcdonalds... we had it all. my parents split up when i was 8 years old. i dont really remember how i felt about food before that. i was a kid, i ate when i was hungry and then ran off those calories outside. it never was really an issue. looking back at pictures, i was an average sized child. when my parents split up, we moved an hour away to my grandparents house. thats where the problem began. living with a full blooded italian grandmaw. but man did i enjoy it! what is it about grandparents? they always want you to eat, eat, eat! (still to this day, when i visit her she trys to give me everything in her fridge.)

since then i've always been the bigger girl. (15-20 lbs overweight) in middle school i was a size 8 while all the other girls were a 2. i've never been tiny. in high school i was again the bigger girl. of course i dont mean the biggest girl in the room, but i've always been bigger than the majority of my friends. i never really got picked on for my size, which im very thankful for of course. (but maybe if i had, i would have done something about it back then. probably not.) high school is where i really started feeling down on myself. i definitely was not happy with my body and often compared myself to others. when my high school boyfriend and i broke up the first time i was heartbroken. i barely ate anything and even went through a little stage of bulimia. we got back together for awhile but ended things for good shortly after. this breakup was not like the last, i definitely ate my feelings this time. i gained the 15 lbs back that i had lost the first time. a few months later i started seeing a new guy and gained another 15 lbs in happy relationship weight. we dated for over 2 years and during that time i gained another 10-15 lbs while working at a pizza place. at this time i was the biggest i had ever been. close to 170 (i'm 5ft). me and that boyfriend eventually broke up and i had lost a little bit of weight, maybe 10 lbs. i was 18 years old and started going out every night and drinking, eating fast food at 2am and sleeping all day. doing no physical activity what so ever.  i dont know how i didnt blow up this time around! i even managed to lose a little bit, about 10 lbs. this is around the time i met mike. i was smitten :) i was really in love with him from very early on and we were happy. but we had a very very rocky relationship in the beginning. we broke up around 5-6 times in the first 2 years. so as you can imagine, my weight went up and down as did our roller coaster relationship. we've been together for over 7 years now (march will make 8) and im now 26.

 over the course of ages 18-26 i have tried pretty much every diet out there. adkins, southbeach, weight watchers, 17 day diet and diet pills. the last time we broke up which was early 2007 i got down to my lowest adult weight, 138, by using diet pills and working out a couple times a week. i was finally feeling good about myself! i wanted to lose a little bit more, maybe 10-15 lbs but i was really happy. well we ended up reuniting and so did my weight and i. in early 2009 me and mike along with 2 of our friends booked a cruise. my friend tiffini is petitie and i didnt not want to be standing next to that skinny bitch in a bikini! from march-may of that year i lost 20 lbs with the help of diet pills (phentermine). then we went on the cruise and ate and drank for 7 days straight. once we got back i kept most of it off but by the end of the year i was back up to 160 again. between then and now i've lost and gained the same 10 lbs over and over again. in novemeber of last year i did the 17 day diet. i have to say, this is a really great diet. i lost 13 lbs (the healthy way for a change!) in about 4 weeks. i was feeling good again! i had about 15 more lbs i wanted to lose until i could feel comfortable and confident. but thanksgiving came.... and then christmas... you get the hint. holiday food!  i gained that weight back.

so here i am. 26 years old. fat & unhappy. i really want and NEED to do something for good this time. i want to be fit, healthy & happy. i want to give mike the hot girlfriend he deserves. i want to feel good about myself and be able to wear the clothes i want. i want to be the fit girl and not the big girl! i need help. i need encouragement. i NEED CHANGE. i need to make this lifestyle change and keep it off for good. i cant be unhappy and unhealthy another day. according to my bmi i am considered obese. i'd like to lose a total of 30 lbs. i'd have to lose almost 20 lbs to be in the overweight category and 40 lbs to be in the normal category. but its not really about the number to me. my first goal is 15 lbs by january 1st (trying to be realistic with the holidays coming up).
so, here we go again.....